Appetite for Destruction

Long before Patton Oswalt was roaming the country posing as some guy named Andy Richman on the TV show Man Vs. Food, I was down in the trenches slathered in bacon grease and hot dog water. Bear in mind these were times before bacon was so cool it was cologne or toothpaste. Dark and turbulent times where the hungry were relentlessly persucuted by health nuts, fitness “gurus”, and seemlingly everyone. Even restaurants fell to the onslaught of these fanatical zealots as they dictated what people should and shouldn’t eat. Some of them serving up veggie patties in a burger instead of meat. Instead of meat! I can’t even begin to talk about what they did to Hostess cupcakes without shedding a tear. In summary I was in the thick of it pushing passed the calorie conscious and diving into the taste of real food from pretty much birth. When I was a portly little child I’m pretty sure my first words were, chili chees fries with county cheese please.

Forever and a day I’ve considered myself to be a true connoisseur of truly exemplary cuisine. I may dabble every once in a while with the cut above joint.  The type of place full of tiny portions, finely sculpted masterpieces, and snobs who like talking about where they ate more than how the food tasted. However where I spend most of my time is deep in the bowels of real food. This country had fallen on hard times indeed, with everyone worried about what’s healthy and what won’t kill you (thanks Dateline), but I adore and heavily praise those establishments that to this day just make food. They don’t pull punches, and they let you make up your own damn mind. For the more everything conscious folks these restaurants are seen as places that just plain want to kill you. To that fabulous point let me highlight and give props to Burger King, for working in the word enormous in a breakfast sandwich. Also how can I not mention a lifelong favorite of mine, Denny’s. This wondrous breakfast spot, which for alot of my youth was a hangout after cruising Hollywood, never fails to provide scintillating variations on their Grand Slam breakfast. Who knew there was so much more to just pancake and eggs. Now you could shove a whole grand slam in a tortilla, in a burger, and never leave the syrup behind. Some say disgusting, I say I’ll take two please. I’d of course be remiss if I didn’t mention Kentucky Fried Chicken for having the boldness to realize that sometimes bread just gets in the way, and put out the ultimate sandwich in which the buns are meat, and more meat. I will admit though, I’ve had the Double Down and it’s a wee bit small. I find it goes best at one of those KFC/A&W restaurant joints. That way you can have a Double Down and chase it with an A&W Papa Burger. I suppose my point is that you don’t have to live your life on a constant diet of lettuce or over priced fancy foods. Live a little every once in a while, it’s about eb and flow. Remember that you don’t have to be Patton Oswalt either, check out every greasy spoon you can get your hands on. Oh hell maybe my point is I should get my own food opinion show. If you fall for the latter, don’t go thinking I’m gonna do the Bushido Sushi challenge, I have my limits.

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