If Rooney Could Blog: Keep Your Bag I’ll Take Freedom

Just like many of you I like to relax after a hard day’s work. When it’s relaxation time you can typically find me pulling a piping hot Swanson’s TV dinner out of the oven, and turning on the television set to catch up on what’s happening in the world. I don’t actually have a favorite channel I watch since I find the whole concept of channels, really kind of odd. To me channels are made up of water, and the English one is where Napoleon got his butt kicked in the battle of Trafalgar, back when I was in my twenties. You can’t have water in or on a television set, that’s just plain silly. Besides, I can’t tell what channel is ever on since I use a handy pair of pliers to switch it around. I did try that abomination called the gator grip once, but you can’t change a television and pull a corn off with no gator grip. What good is a tool you can only use for one thing anyway.  Anywho, well after the television warmed up and my Swanson’s brownie was cool I noticed something that had my head swimming.

First off, I heard somebody make mention that Canada gets their milk in bags. Holy mackerol, I won’t even take my Sugar Smacks in some bag. It’s wrong for milk and doubly wrong for cereal, and they know it. It’s almost as if they feel guilty about putting cereal in those putrid feedbags too. They give them wacky names like Marshmallow Mateys, and Mini Spooners. Those definetely don’t sound like the kind of bag I wanna slice open and take a nibble out of. What the dickens is a mini spooner anyhow? They should just call it kibble or puppy chow. Imagine my befuddlement when I found out that milk had gone the feedbag route. It was worse and more shocking than the time I heard tale that French Stewart was considered an actor.

I’m sorry but I come from a world where the cereal is in a bag that gets hidden and shoved in a box, and where your dad delivers you a bottle of milk every morning. This fixation of putting everything in bags has me baffled. What good is a spent milk sack or a cereal sack that’s empty. With a bottle you can collect fireflies or put water in it for more milk, or wilk as mother used to call it. Cereal boxes, well you can make hats or just spend hours trying to figure out the confounded puzzles on them. This bag issue has gotten so bad that even at that grocery store they pester you with their young arrogance and ask if you want a bag. Heavens, they even ask what type; paper, plastic, or if you even brought a green bag. I came in to get provisions and aspercreme, not to face an inquisition. Why should whether or not I’m a legal alien have anything to do with getting my groceries?

Now I can’t blame Canada for being strange, it’s Canada, but we can’t let that kind of tomfoolery seep down into this great nation. If we start bagging everything before you know it everything will be topsy turvy. Utter chaos as things that actually need bags go without them like vacuums and and shoe bags for your loafers. They’ll all be rounded up and reapportioned to be used to hold milk and keep our population down. Next time some young wipper snapper starts barking questions at me from behind that iron curtain of a counter, I’m yelling I’ll take freedom without the bag please.

More OldTimey?  http://theronincourant.com/2011/02/11/lathering-up-with-nivea/

Update: From my vault of cassette tapes here is another atrocity, Macaroni and Cheese that comes in a bag.

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