RandomThought: Valentine’s Day

Today is the big controversial day. One where the world stands divided between the sentimental sweethearts, and those taking the, “it’s just some hallmark made up” holiday stance. Either way both factions are dealing with love. Whether it be for the love of a sweetie, or for love of thinking they’re so brilliant to deathgrip that stance that makes them come off as a cheap ass Debbie Downer, it’s love just the same. Hey I blame none of you. If you love someone you should just show them everyday, and just make today about eating chocolate and watching your favorite Tina Fey movie, like Mean Girls or Baby Mama. If you love thinking you’re right all the time well I’m sure NPR appreciates all your donations.  As for me, I’m single which means I ride that blurry line where I can hate the day or love it and noone would blame me. To clarify, I’m single by choice, so no need to be afraid of me becoming unraveled if you wish me Happy V day grandma! Yep, until Tina Fey answers any of my letters, emails, or glamour shots I’ll be happily single. I’m sure she’s just playing hard to get though, and all the stuff she does must keep her pretty busy.

Now even though I could be considered far removed from the whole Valentine thing on account of me being single, don’t you go thinking I won’t dispense advice on what to do or how to do last minute preparations. I’ve been having to deal with looking at Target with their lover’s lane of Valentine treat aisles for about two freaking months, which means I’ve had time to think of this crap and eat alot of chocolate.

  • For the Cougar on the Prowl – There’s no reason cougars shouldn’t get a little loving on this day, but there is a reason why CougarTown should not be allowed on television (more on that some other time). However if you’re hunting down that young twenty something it could be a very competitive playing field. So as you attack that local watering hole wookin pa nub, keep these tips in mind. Consider this your cougar survival kit.
    • Get your bake on: We know you love being that nice orangy tang color, hell who doesn’t. Sadly that could be tough to pull off in the middle of winter, and in short notice. That’s why I suggest Luminesstan, nothing says I’m looking for real love, like looking as fake as you can with an airbrushed tan. If the price point of this product is a bit steep, worry not cause you can also rub yourself down with a bag of Cheetos for the same effect. Besides, what man couldn’t resist a lovely and literally seasoned woman smothered in Cheetos. I’m salivating already.
    • Get the moves: It’s a bar full of men and women hornily seeking lust, so even though you’ve got that awesome tan on, you’re gonna need a little more in your toolbox to pull off that magical night. Being a man I know I like me a woman who can dance and well here are my suggestions. Get yourself the Flirty girl dance moves DVD and learn as much as you can from it. You think we’re done there don’t you. Well of course not, we’re looking to take the gold medal in this competition so I’m also gonna toss at you mastery of the shake weight. Get those two products and learn em good. Now imagine if you will a crowded bar, empty dancefloor and your friend just put Sweet Caroline on the jukebox. You know the power of that song, within seconds the dancefloor will be overrun with people jumping up and down and yelling out almost incoherent drunken lyrics to a song way passed it’s prime. What are you gonna do to stand out? What will you do? Well get to flirty shaking that’s what. I can say with a somewhat certain level of confidence that no man will resist looking at you once they see you belting out those lyrics whilst flirty girl sexy dancing, and pumping your fists about as if gripping a shake weight.
  • For the fellas looking for a lady – If you’re gonna be so bold as to venture out this night to seek out the lonely gals, best do something to make you not seem desperate. Nothing turns a girl off more than a guy foaming out the mouth and reciting lines like, “you sure look perty”. Slow your roll, look confidant, and if all else fails don an accent and pretend you’re visiting from out of town.
    • Nothing wrong with a little Googling: Trying to front like you’re from another country just looking for some companionship? Then the mobile phone app Google Translate is just for you. See the shot below for some phrases you can recite in virtually any language to get you one step closer to rippin and a tearin.
    • For the unseasoned: If you find yourself stumbling with making up a good ice breaker then look to the Random Line Generator mobile app. Don’t you worry even Casanova needed a little help sometimes.

Now I know that didn’t cover everybody, if you’re in a relationship then you pretty much gotta play it by ear. If you happen to be with a person who loves the show Desperate Housewives, then you know you’ll be hitting the jewelry store. If you’re lucky enough to be with someone who loves appreciating one another then I suggest hitting a comedy show, then snuggling up to a homemade dinner. I can say though that if you’re in a bind and have to gather up some last minute presents or a reservation you can come out a champ by using OpenTable to snag a quick reservation via the web or using the iPhone app. For random heart shaped things and such you can breeze through Walgreens, it’s quick and easy. If all else fails there’s always a romantic dinner at White Castle, followed by snuggling in front of your fireplace, then traditional wrapping of one another in saran wrap and reciting lyrics to Barry White tunes as William Shatner. Oh wait, am I the only one that does that?






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